My Apologies to Bob Bennett

This post probably won't be read by anyone for quite some time, if at all, but I need to get back to writing here, and this seems the best way to start.

As you can see by the posts, I haven't REALLY posted in about two years. The reasons are many, and not worth going into right now.

Anyways, I decided to google "defiant lamb" and see if I could find a reference to this blog. The name of the blog is from a song by Bob Bennett, my all-time favorite singer/songwriter. Imagine my surprise when this blog came up as the TOP listing!

Not that too many people are googling for the phrase "defiant lamb", but still...TOP listing!

The thing is, now I feel an obligation to the name - to live up to top listing status.
I must post again.
I must!

More to come...

I might be back...

I'm just checking.

No promises.

A Dart to the Heart

One of the things I do with my boys is going on bike rides with them on the weekends. A bit more specifically, I pedal, they ride.

It started with my oldest when he was 14 months old. We got a bike seat and put him on it, and off Daddy and son went. Usually, he fell asleep within a short while, but eventually, he grew up enough to stay awake for a longer ride. This eventually morphed into weekend rides to a local restaurant for breakfast. It has been a great and precious time with each of my boys as we ride, eat, and ride back home again.

With four kiddos, they each now get a ride every other weekend (I ride Saturday and Sunday mornings - we go to church Saturday night). The older two now go on a "half-bike" that attaches to the back of mine, so they help with the pedaling. The younger two are still in the original seat behind me.

They each have certain places they want to go for breakfast, so I get a somewhat varied menu over the course of the weekend.

Son #2 and I go to a bagel shop not too far away. Cinnamon-Raisin bagels toasted, with peanut butter. Yum!

Last Friday night, I mentioned to #2 that it was his turn for a ride tomorrow. He was not enthusiastic, and asked if I would just go and bring him back a bagel. This kind of misses the whole point of the ride, so I questioned him about it. They all have always loved going on the rides.

What came to light stabbed me in the heart like only "rotten father guilt" can do.

Here's the deal: Over the course of the past few months, as we sit down to eat our bagels, I have been looking at the newspapers the bagel place sets out for customers. At first, it was just a glance, but gradually slid into full-on reading the sports and opinion pages while my son sat there eating. He no longer had Dad across the table, just the back of the paper.

What a jerk I can be.

He never said anything to me about it, but it gradually stole the fun out of the rides with Dad.

I cannot believe I did this! When you step back and look at something like this, the wrongness of it it is so obvious! But in the midst of the slow slide, it never seems that bad. I was a boiling frog at my son's expense.

Right then and there, as I heard his words, I took his hands, looked in his eyes, and promised him I would never do that again. I apologized profusely, and promised him again that I would never do that.

Being the better man than me, he forgave me immediately.

The next day, we went to the bagel store, got the bagels, but this time we were armed with paper and pens to play tick-tac-toe, and the "make boxes from a grid of dots" game (anybody know if this game has a name?).

It was great.

I hope and pray that I will never slide into something like that again.

Ever.

Ever.

I have these four incredible gifts, and I choose to see if the Dodgers won intead of talking to my kid across the table?

Oh please...

To Write Love on Her Arms

If you haven't read this story yet, follow the link and then let me know what you think.
Click Here!

This is what love is supposed to look like.

Why do I want it to be so much safer?

Nose, meet your grindstone

Yes, it's true. My summer vacation is over, and I start back teaching this next week.

The fiends! How can they expect anyone to be ready to teach with only 3 months off?!?!?

My students will just need to excuse me when my lectures are incoherent, my demonstrations are shabby, and my enthusiasm with the course material is fleeting at best.

Wait a minute...I'm tenured! That's the way we ALWAYS teach!!!


Ahhh. Ain't life grand!

The sting of death

I really did have lots of good intentions on posting stuff again right on the heels of my last post.

But then...

My friend Claude's 18 year old daughter dies at a concert.

My friend Bruce's wife dies of a heart attack (age 46).

My Colleague Rick's wife dies of cancer.

And worst of all...
Christmas day, 2005. The phone rings.
"Holly Jolly Christmas!" I blab like a fool (I'm good at the fool thing).
"Hey, this is Jay" (I was best man at his wedding). "I'm sorry to mess up Christmas, but Dee and I are at the hospital. Last night, something wasn't right with the pregnancy. Dee couldn't feel the baby move." (Dee was less than a month away from bearing their first child, a son.) "Anyway, something went wrong, and the baby died."

Death, here's your sting. Damn you.
Sooner rather than later, please.

Elijah Jay.
2005 to 2005.
Now, waiting for us on the far side of the Jordan.

Even in this, God is working redemption. There will be a school in India bearing Elijah's name. It will be reaching and teaching the Untouchables, pounding a nail in the coffin of the caste system.

I'll be back.

How shall we respond?

This strikes me as very Christian - not in the sense of evangelism, but in the sense of stewardship.

This is our Fathers' world. We are to tend to it, and care for it.

We are all created in His image. Shouldn't we strive to "set free those who are oppresed"?

The proposal of the writer of this article seems to me to follow these directions.

What say you?

How dare you actually read what i write!

Remember that last post about walking away from blogging?

Never mind.

Here is a comment I got from Sandra on my last post, and my response:

At 8:15 PM, January 30, 2006, Sandra said...
We all struggle with the issues of time, talents, gifts...how do we use them, when, where, to the greatest good...

The men you mentioned in your next to last post...you questioned if they are now using their God given gifts & talents to their fullest advantage because they either felt lead to go in a different direction or chose to go in a different direction.

You asked, "But, I think the whole thing does raise the issue I started with: as Christians, what is our responsibility in using our gifts and talents for the world at-large?"

And you? You have a talent for writing as a Christian father. Should you narrow your world and stop writing your blog?

Your honesty will be missed as will your writing and the heart cries. God bless you, yours and the work of your hands in whatever direction you go.

May the worst of 2006 be from the best of 2005. Agape & Shalom...

Sandra @ Thistle Cove Farm

My Response:
Sandra,

Ouch. But, thanks for the painful reminder of my own words. That's the blessing/curse of the blogosphere: accountability for what we said.

You have also convinced me to write again.

It's not about me, at all. It's about a chance to touch someone else's life with a bit of truth about this God we serve. How can I walk away from that?

Thank you.

-Steve

Life is very busy, and posting may be light, but the point is what God does with this, and who He brings to these postings.

So...

Let the blogging (re)begin!!

Goodbye for now

Not many (if any) will probably read this, but it seems unfinished to just stop posting, and say nothing.

I haven't posted in ages, and will not in the near future.

A couple of reasons:
First, life with 4 boys is busy! They and my wife need me more than the blogosphere.
If/when things settle down more, we'll see about some posting. Right now, other priorities beckon.

Second, my original purpose for blogging was getting muddied. I was less and less writing about how God touches our lives, and more and more just about stuff. There are pleny of more interesting stuff writers than me. Go find them.

I guess that's all for now. I will still be a blog reader, and sometimes commenter, but not so much a writer.
Writing is hard for me. The long pauses between thoughts don't show up on the written page (screen?), but they take their toll on me.

May you all see the fingerprint of God as you walk through this life.

Back from a long break, with a question

Sorry for the long gap in posting! A spate of sick kids (having 4 young boys is like living in a giant petrie dish), and the busy wind-down at school, left me with a sense of nothing to say.

But.

My buddy Alan sent me an email that sparked a long response, and I thought it was interesting enough to post, and posited a question that I would be interested in any responses you all may have.

I all started when I sent Alan some Calvin and Hobbes comics about snowmen.

Here is Alan's response, and then mine to him:


Steve;

You made my day. Is there no way to get Watterson to draw again????????

-Alan


Alan;

Interesting question.
Let me posit this: if you are a Christian, and you have a talent, are you obligated to use it for the greatest good for the greatest number?

I don't know if Bill Watterson is a Christian, but I have read articles that indicate that he now lives in his boyhood home of Chagrin Falls, Ohio (great name!), and paints landscapes with his dad. He's rich, living an idyllic life, and has turned his back on conspicuous fame. Not a bad life. I would take it, given the chance.

But.

I am a Christian, and live not just for myself.

If it was up to me, I'd put the thumb screws to him, and get him to draw Calviin and Hobbes again, but is that what is best for him? If he was a Christian, would there be any moral weight incumbent upon him to draw it again?

For a real life example, take Tim Downs. In the 80's, he had a comic strip called Downstown. It was GREAT! Smart, funny, a Christian worldview without being preachy, and sydicated all over the nation. He quit, and now goes around to Christian groups and speaks about stuff (I think relationship stuff - what a shocker in the Christian community), and has written some books. He surely thinks that this is what God has called him to do, but as an outsider to that, I keep on wondering if he's wasting a gift that was infusing the general culture with salt and light.

Now, my view on Tim Downs or Bill Watterson is definately colored with selfishness. But, I think the whole thing does raise the issue I started with: as Christians, what is our responsibility in using our gifts and talents for the world at-large?

Talk to you soon,
Steve

Reason # 4,386 why 3 year olds are great

The other day my 3 year old son and I were wishing mom a fond farewell as she headed off to do some errands.
He was doing a typical kid thing: he didn't want to go back inside the house, so he was stalling with all his waskally ways.
In this case, he wanted me to sit down on the sidewalk, so he could sit on my lap and wave goodbye to mommy.

Fine.
Car pulls away, time to get up and go inside.

But wait, dad! Let's look at the clouds! (stalling technique #43 in the Kids Book of Parent Manipulation, 1,256th edition)

Now, here's what got me laughing.

He said - as he was looking up, doing the I-see-the-clouds-looking-like-something thing - "Look daddy! Mashed potatoes!"



PostScript: Every kid has something about them that makes you stop, and wonder what really IS going on inside that head. For Mr. 3 year old, it's the fact that I still don't know if he was innocently making the comment, and it turned out to be so lacking in guile that it was funny, or that he knew exactly what he was doing, and the joke was intentional. If it's the latter option, Yipes!

I am not worthy

As I've mentioned lots of times, I have four young sons. My love for them is an ache, not a warm, fuzzy thing. It is a fierce love. I have had the "Mr. T" attitude of protecting them: "I pity the fool who would try to mess with them".

So now, I am left standing here, realizing just how far my puny love falls short.

I read this, and realize, I am not worthy.

My puny love falls short when confronted with the mighty love of God - the depth and strength of that love, as it reaches out from a greiving mother to the man who killed her children, leaves me with no words worthy of that devine moment.

At times like this, when I see just how shallow I am, how far short I fall, I think of a phrase from a Bruce Cockburn song which sums things up in a visually rich metaphor: shipwrecked at the stable door.

Fascinating...

I stumbled across this, and I can't help thinking that a great novel or movie could be made from some of this.

Check this out.

The resting place of Noah's Ark...

A monestary struck by lightning...

In a nearby city, the tomb of Noah...

Jews, Christians, Muslems all with an interest...

There's a story here. Who will tell it?

Abraham's Test

OK, so here's my take on (one possible reason) why God asked Abraham to sacrifice his son, Isaac, and what we can take from it.

God didn't need the test. He is omniscient, he knows everything. He knew Abraham would do it. He wasn't testing Abraham to see if he would.

Abraham needed the test.

Specifically, he needed to know that he was willing to follow God anywhere, and do anything God requested.

Remember, Abraham had a habit of lying to save his skin, trying to short-cut around God to get a child, and generally taking the easy way out of most jams. By this time, he had probably changed, but how did he know he wouldn't bail again when things got tough? God gave Abraham a chance to prove it - to himself.

Abraham walked away from the mountain with a certitude set in stone that he would never run ashamed from God again. He would never lie to anyone to try and save his skin. He had really changed. This was the final proof.

Sometimes I wonder if God doesn't do this to us all - force us to face up to an issue, not because He needs us to, but because we need us to - to show us what we're made of, and what we're capable of. To show us that the change we think we see within us is, in fact, also manifest on the outside.

What do I need to know about myself? At this point, that's between me and God. I know that I am very good at running from conflict, and avoiding issues. I also know that when I do confront things I have been avoiding, things in my life open up.

I need to know what I'm made of.
I don't want to hurt enough to find out.

Where am I? And, a question...

In answer to Jennifers' question on my last post, I am still here, but took the whole weekend off from posting anything. And, being a professor, the weekend is Friday to Sunday (trust me, we do all sorts of deep, professorial stuff during that down time, any rumors you hear that we sit and eat Coco Puffs and watch Johnny Quest reruns is pure conjecture on the part of jealous part-timers!).

I am in recovery mode from trick or treat with my 4 boys - candy central around here!

Biggest joy: watching how much my boys enjoy handing out candy to the other kids in the neighborhood - whenever selfishness melts, life is good.

Question unrelated to anything posted so far: Why did God test Abraham? No, really, I'm serious. What was the point?

I have an idea that is starting to roll around in my head, but I wanted to put the question out there, and see what others think.

Let me know - my thoughts next post.


Also: prayers for comfort healing go out to Tracey and her family on a sad, sad anniversary today. I don't know where the gold is in these ashes.

Too painfully close to home.

Read this, and then walk away.

Sob'ah My Soul: Letting Go

Steve Needs...

I am one needy individual!

Through the wonders of the blogosphere, I ended up at Jennifer by way of Tracey, which led me to Lesslee, which introduced me to a game from Jennifer!

Got it?

Anyway, here's the game: Go to Google, and type in "(your first name) needs". Be sure to include the quotes, so you get that exact phrase, then copy and paste the first ten returns from Google.

I had no idea I needed this stuff! =]

Here's my list:

1) Steve needs a doctor

2) STEVE NEEDS YOU!

3) Steve needs a new v8-pack function. (I am not even going to ask --s)

4) Steve needs help again, please.

5) Steve needs YOUR money.

6) Steve needs you If you are a women and you like to play Ultimate (yipes!)

7) Steve needs you. That's reason enough

8) Steve needs to hurry up! This isn't nap time!

9) Steve needs to find a squirrel hitman. (Now, is that a hitman for squirrels, or a hitman that IS a squirrel? Big difference)

And finally:
10) Steve needs more money. (Especially if it's YOUR money!)

What the heck is God doing?

How much time do you have?

The title question could be answered over the next four days and not come close to being completed. To kind of quote CS Lewis, Aslan is always on the move.

What is refer to specifically this time is thanks to AuntieJean and her comment on my last post. She mentioned reading "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion, and having not heard of it, I looked it up in Amazon. It sounds achingly interesting, but too painful for me right now. What launched this post, however, was the "customers who bought this also bought..." section. One of the other books listed was "Christ the Lord" by...Anne Rice.

Anne Rice?!?!?

Vampire Queen Anne Rice?!?!

I had to check that out.

It turns out that she has written a serious (not just a gimmck to introduce vampires into the ancient world) novelization of a portion of the life of Jesus as a boy - coming out of Egypt, going to Jerusalem, etc.

It turns out she has committed/recommitted her life to Christianity through the Roman Catholic church.

I find this significant. Any time a quality writer of the dark (Stephen King, Anne Rice, etc.) turns to the light, I can't help but wonder if a few angels do the party jig in heaven with a little more gusto. Think of the number of people their writings touch.

I plan on getting this book at some point - she's too good of a writer to not take this opportunity to read her portrait of the boy Jesus.

You know who's on my high list of people I pray will return to the faith they walked away from? Marilyn Manson.

Check out Alice Cooper today, and tell me it couldn't happen.

God is full of surprises - watch out!

I Am Truly Blessed

My life is so good, I don't deserve to ever whine about anything.

Not that I won't - I just don't deserve to.

I spent yesterday (Sunday) evening in the emergency room with my 5 year old son. He had fallen off his bed (a distance of about 2-1/2 feet), and broken his right arm about 3 inches from the wrist. Both bones. His arm was bent at that spot like an extra joint - I still get the heebie-jeebies thinking about the sight of that.

Why am I blessed?

We live 5 minutes from the emergency room.
He was in a room, and getting pain meds within 15 minutes.
Good friends came to watch our other 3 sons so my wife could also come and be there for our son.
The bones were set (radius and ulna were both snapped, and needed to be realigned), cast put on, and we were out of there in less than 4 hours.
24 hours later, he is adjusting, and starting to act goofy again.

How does this make me blessed?

I am not Charles.

Each life will be visited by trajedy - often.
John Irving, in his book The World According to Garp, called it "the undertoad". We all live in a world shot through with undertoads. How we view them, how we respond to them makes all the difference.

I could look at my situation, and say "My son broke his arm! This stinks!! Thanks for nothing, God!!" I could focus on the trajedy, and never get over it. I could blame God. I could allow bitterness to ferment.

Or, I could look for the gold in the ashes - the evidence of God's redeeming work in the midst of trajedy. If you look, it is all around us. You can allow gratefulness to fourish.

Now, if I was Charles (go to the link, and pray for that man), I would probably not be feeling blessed right now. I would be wailing and railing at the evil injustice of it all.

But in time. Even in Charles' life, the gold will be revealed through the ashes.

Right now, the flames of trajedy are still burning hot for Charles and his daughter. But one day they will cool, and the gold will be there to be found.


Related subject:
A good, wise friend of mine recently gave me counsel based on the Old Testament, and the Isrealites.

In many of the writings of the prophets, God admonishes the Israelites for scorning the blessings he has provided for them, and looking longingly towards the foreign gods - the Baals.

My friend then made the connection with us - how we too often scorn the blessings we have been given, and long for something else: a new job, a new house, a new community, whatever. They're probably not really any better, just different - new! improved! reformulated!!

I am sooooo guilty of this. It's embarassing.
I have often commented on this blog how fortunate I am - this very post, in fact - and yet, I keep on looking for and longing for that new, different, "perfect" whatever.

Chasing after the wind.

Vanity. All vanity.


Dear Heavenly Father, grant me the wisdom to see and appreciate the blessings you have set before me. May I bless you, and thank you. Help me to truly understand that one day in Your house is better than a thousand elsewhere. That you have given me bread, not stones. That you are my shepherd, and I shall not want.
Amen.

What I Meant With the Last Posting

I got a fairly thin response to my last post - although, I must say the the one comment I got was excellent, taking the question in a different direction than what I intended (thanks, Tracey).

Here's what I was ruminating on at the time: Anonymous Alan had posted a comment on one of my last entries brining up the issue of justice and the criminal punishment system we have.

I was interested in this, because I attend a church that has it's roots in the Friends/Quaker denomination, and our current criminal justice system was influenced heavily by this group. My understanding is that our current system of putting criminals in a cell to sit until they are set free came about under the influence of the Quakers. The thinking was that criminals would sit and reflect on their crimes, and end up repenting, and turning their lives around. Hence the name "penetentiary" - where you repent and do pennence.

While I can see this as a noble idea, the practical outcome has been Hell. Criminals shoved together with no one but other criminals to interact with. A numbing repetition of days without purpose. Overall, a degredation of the human spirit, and then release into a world that recognizes no change, only remembers past sins.

Woefully missing from our current punishment to crime is the concept of restitution - you break someone's window, you get it fixed. As it now stands, if you are the victim of a crime, the criminal is not responsible to you for anything, they are only responsible to the state to sit for a prearranged time period, and then go free. Everyone involved is left damaged and unreconciled.

What is the alternative? What should happen, instead of what does?

I think we have to start to seriously consider an insistence upon restitution. The victim is then restored, and the criminal is allowed to make the effort to make right what they have made wrong.

So what "should" happen in the example from my last post? Property should be returned. Damages should be paid for. Forgivenss should be sought.

There's more to it than just this - how do you restore an assault victim, for example? But I think this is a start.

Now what do you all think? Is there merit to restoration? How many huge holes need to be plugged in my call for change?

I guess that's all for now.