Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I May Have Done A Terrible Thing..

I've gone and done it.

I've started to let my friends know about this blog.
(Hey, Alan, so good to see you here!)

Why is this a potentially bad thing?
Because I started doing this to get things down in pixels what had up to that time only been bouncing around in my head. It has been a chance for me to as honest as I dare (heck, I even admitted my affinity for sardine sandwiches!) without the fear of the strangely puzzled look you get from people when you have said something totally out there. 99% of you out there have no idea who I am. You could probably glean clues, do some sleuthing, and find me, but why bother? I'm just a blogger spouting off. Anonymity facilitates honesty in a situation like this - at least that's what I have used it for.

So now, when people I care for and respect may be reading this, will I start to self-censor?

I hope not.

There's a bigger question here, though. Why am I afraid to be honest with my Christian brothers and sisters?

In part, it is because that is my personal weakness: I struggle mightily with wanting/needing to be liked. I am sure that once people really get to know me, they will not like me. This is my struggle which has roots deep down in my childhood, and will continue plague me as I strive for healing in this area.

The other part, however, is pragmatic. I'm afraid, because it's true. In any church, there are those that use Christianity as a bludgeon, instead of a bandage (we're all wounded, aren't we?). Jesus could have easily said "The Pharisees you will always have with you..."

For example: I was once in a Bible study where, in the midst of a spirited discussion on a matter of theology where I was pointing out how a common Christian cliche' doesn't really make sense, one of the men turned to me and said: "Steve, no one else in the group has a problem with this, why do you?"

SHUDDER!!!

All of a sudden, what I thought was an interesting discussion leading to light being shed upon a troubling issue was turned into a question of my spiritual maturity. The issue wasn't the problem, I was. Be a good Christian like the rest of the men in the room, and shut up.

Do you think I was willing to take a risk of honesty in that group again? (BTW, in discussions with three wise pastors since then, it turns out I was right, and the common Christian cliche' was wrong)

Oh well, here's to worshipping naked (thanks for the allusion, Tracey).

I'll be the one with the bag over his head, trying to look anonymous.

23 comments:

worshipnaked 6:07 PM, September 28, 2005  

Steve -- Well, hmmm, I don't mean to be Debbie Downer here, but ... um, I do hope you don't regret it. That's the reason I had to "fake my own death" at my old site. Too many people at my church had discovered my blog through another blog and they were bombarding me with comments at church.

All of these people were strangers to me, actually, and they never, EVER commented on the actual blog, but they had no end of annoying comments to make. I couldn't take it anymore. I asked the people with links to me to dump 'em, I started doing quiz after quiz to bore people, and then I walked away with no "forwarding address," as it were. I also made sure my blog doesn't come up on a Google search, since I kept the same name. (There was more than one reason for keeping it off Google, as I'm sure you can imagine from the name.)

At this point, there are only two people I know in "real life" who read my blog. I invited them after the switch and made them take the "Fight Club" vow -- you know:

"First rule of Fight Club -- there is NO Fight Club."

So I made them promise:

"First rule of the blog -- there is NO blog."

It's worked out okaaay, but I sometimes have regrets about it. Actually, frequently. And it's not that I don't like them. I do. It's that I start worrying about their sensibilities when I write something and I don't want to do that on MY blog.

Just some thoughts from someone who's been where you find yourself. Be careful who you tell and don't tell too many.

AuntieJeanne 9:07 AM, September 29, 2005  

Hi Steve--I'd have to agree with "worship naked." I think the whole purpose of a blog is to be able to speak freely and anonymously and if you tell all your friends about it, you'll start to censor yourself and defeat the whole purpose of having a blog.

Professor Steve 11:40 AM, September 29, 2005  

Okay, okay.

You both have convinced me.
No more telling friends about the blog.

If I have to use some strong-arm tactics to keep my friend quiet about this, can I count on you both to help?

Lyn 2:44 PM, September 29, 2005  

Hmmmm...I never thought of not telling friends...that is some food for thought, then again, as often as we move, I should have no problem with anonymity (did I spell that right?)

How do you keep it from showing up on a google search?

Anonymous 3:08 PM, September 29, 2005  

Hola Esteban,

i haven't told a soul, honest. My only thought so far: if you ARE going to worship naked and you ARE going to wear a bag over your head, you MIGHT want to consider one of those big black garbage bags (with airholes, of course).

i'll be back . . . and any comments will be over quesadillas at La Chiquita or menudo at El Taco Superior (a new place you HAVE to try!!!!).
aa

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