Saturday, January 22, 2005

What can I say to you?

For anyone who scrolls down past this post, you'll see that there has been a looooong gap between this post and the last. My struggle seems to be this: what do I have to say? Amplified: what do I have to say that would be worth someone else's time?

Of course, life is busy. I was down for 3 weeks(!) with the flu - no kidding, just ask my wife - and then, just last week, our 4th child was born.

I am now the father of 4 boys (ages 7, 4.5, 2.75 and .1). Wow. This is an immeasurable blessing, and a hassle greater than I have ever known. Holding a child in your arms who adores you is achingly wonderful. Cleaning vomit from the van is also aching, just not wonderful. We try so hard to raise these children up in the way they should go: to love God, to serve Him, to be sharp of mind, strong of body. But then, when you just want to make it to 7:45 bedtime, an hour or so of Boomerang (TV channel that shows The Flintstones, Tom & Jerry, Looney Tunes, etc) is seductively easy, and wins more times than I care to think about.

And maybe that's the point of my ambivalence: I find myself mostly a disappointment to myself. I am a selfish, self-absorbed, lazy, constantly-sinning man who has staked my life and eternity upon serving Christ. I have no special wisdom that I know of. My deep insights tend to look pretty shallow when re-examined in the light of day. I'm not a doer.

If there is any wisdom in this post, it would be this: How does the Enemy keep me ineffective? Inactivity.

I read, I think, I watch, but I don't do much. Definitely not as much as I would want.

Why?

Fear. Mostly fear of failure in all it's myriad manifestations.

And maybe that's what I can offer you: transparent reflections on the life of a wholly inadequate disciple. I have entrusted my eternity to Jesus, and my service to Him is pockmarked at best. I am a lamb, but I am defiant. Most importantly, I am forgiven and redeemed in the midst of my failures: falling on my knees again and again.

Let me show you my stumbles, and through this, remind us all that no stumble cannot be followed by getting up.

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